Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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