So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
