Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
