I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
