God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
