Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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