I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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