Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
