I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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