I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
