Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
