New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
