Welp...herpes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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