i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
