I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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