You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
