So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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