I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
