The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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