Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
