i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
