That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
