I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
