Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
