he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
