Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
