Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
