life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
