I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
