dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
