Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
