The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
