he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
