Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Do vagina's smell?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
