Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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