In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
