i just wanna soil my oats bro
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
