We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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