Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
