We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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