i don't plan on having that self control this summer
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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