the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
