Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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