Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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