the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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