If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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