Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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