Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
