I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
