Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
