just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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