Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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