maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
