bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
