Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
