what day is it and did you see me today?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
