I'm eating all of the evidence.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
