I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
