Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
